I’m Not Ready

I am not the kind of mama who is always prepared for any situation or knows what to do at any given moment. You’ve seen her, I’m sure: the confident, cool, together mama who looks great and says the right thing all the time. She’s the same kind of mama who always packs tissues, healthy snacks, wipes and an age-appropriate activity for her child to do, no matter the occasion. No, I’m more like the i-hope-i-brushed-my-hair-before-i-left-the-house kind of mama, the kind who frantically looks for a used Mc Donald’s napkin when the kids’ noses start running, the kind that will bribe her kids with chocolate and sit them in front of the tv for an afternoon of peace. More often than not, I’m flying by the seat of my pants and praying that they’re not ripped, mismatched or stained.

So with my biggest boy starting school next week, you can imagine how together and ready I feel. Ok, so technically I am ready in the sense that his reading bag is ready to go, his uniform’s labelled and he has sparkly new shoes, but mentally ready? Not.At.All.

I thought I was prepared and holding my s**t together, but as the reality of the situation begins to set in, I realise that I am not ready at all and I didn’t expect to feel this way.

RILEY

Up until now, I have been the leading lady in his life, his teacher, his nurse, his confidante, his best friend…but as of next week that all changes. He will be starting a new chapter in his life. One where he’ll take those next big steps on his journey to independence and adulthood, and for the first time, he’ll be doing it alone without me by his side. I’m not ready.

I know I’m not the first mama to feel this way and I certainly won’t be the last, but him starting school marks a huge change in our lives and I am struggling to come to terms with it. Five out of seven days of the week he will be with his teacher and new friends. I will walk him to the school gate every morning, kiss him goodbye and hand him over to someone else. I’m not ready.

Someone else will teach him new things, see new firsts, listen to his worries and pick him up when he falls. They’ll experience the pleasure of my biggest boy – the little quirks and traits that make him who he is. They’ll nurture him, influence him and shape his future in a way that I may not want or agree with. I’m not ready.

RILEY1

The truth is, I’m just plain sad to see my boy leaving preschoolhood– with its impossibly tight hugs around the neck and breathy whispered secrets before bedtime. The baby days, toddler days and days of us just being together are coming to an end. It’s bittersweet. I often feel like I’m in a state of half-mourning and half-celebrating with each new phase and milestone. So while I’m sad that he won’t be here with me every day, I am excited to see him begin the next part of his journey.

I’ll be there in the playground waiting to see the new book he pulls from his reading bag, to hear him excitedly tell me about what he did that day or what he learnt in class. I’ll be the one baking cakes for fundraisers, cheering the loudest at sports day and shedding a tear during the Christmas nativity.

He’ll lose a bit of that innocence that comes with being little and wrapped in cotton wool, but he’ll be full of potential and promise and he’ll become the person he was destined to be.

RILEY2Most of all, he will continue to make me the proudest mama alive, just as he has done since the day he arrived.

But I’m not ready.

16 Comments

    • 2 September, 2016 / 9:02 pm

      Right!? I am feeling such a clash of emotions about it all…i guess it’s just all part of growing up eh? (Excuse me while i go and open another box of tissues!) xx

  1. Mads
    2 September, 2016 / 2:24 pm

    We’re never ready! xx

    • 2 September, 2016 / 9:01 pm

      I’m learning that fact more and more every day!xx

  2. 3 September, 2016 / 8:03 pm

    Oh hun – I hear you. Pickle moves from afternoon nursery school to mornings on Monday – then full time after Christmas. I am not ready either. I wasn’t ready in January when he started mornings. Quite simply, I miss him. Huge hugs to you. Kaz x
    Ickle Pickle recently posted…Photo a Day Summer 2016 Part OneMy Profile

    • 4 September, 2016 / 1:05 pm

      Motherhood is so bittersweet at times isn’t it? I’ve know since the moment he was born that this day would come and now it’s finally here, i just want to wrap him up in cotton wool and go back to those newborn days! Hope Pickle adjusts well to his new routine at nursery xx

  3. Jess
    4 September, 2016 / 8:03 am

    AHHHHH! The whole school thing, it comes around far too quickly, one day your sat there with your newborn baby moaning about how tired you are, saying how excited you are that one day you can make them packed lunches and send them off to school…then the time comes near and you realise you just aren’t prepared, emotionally! Abbie is about to start pre-school, and actually, I’m surprisingly ready for that, because I know she is too, but knowing that next year she is at school (thanking my lucky stars she wasn’t born 3 weeks earlier or she’d be going on Monday!!), i’m not ready for next year either. 366 days away, nope, no, nuh uh! Meanwhile, these lovely little ones of ours will be none the wiser to how we feel, as they waltz off into school and have the time of their lives! 🙂 x

    • 4 September, 2016 / 12:59 pm

      You are SO right lovely, Riley is honestly so excited about starting school and completely oblivious to all of my tears and wobbles. Like Abbie, he has been ready to go for ages, he’s been asking to go for ages so i know it’s going to be the most amazing adventure for him. I’m just not ready to give up my “little” boy yet. I have Harry starting next year as well, god knows how i’ll feel then with neither child at home! lol xxx

  4. 4 September, 2016 / 6:26 pm

    I hear you! My daughter starts school next week too and I’m totally not ready to give her up. She is beyond excited and I’m trying to remember that and oush my thoughts to the back of mind, but I’m failing fast. Good luck X
    Laura – dear bear and beany recently posted…The Time Before School…The Ordinary MomentsMy Profile

    • 7 September, 2016 / 1:17 pm

      It’s just so bittersweet isn’t it? We want them to grow up but we want to keep them small and needing us at the same time! Hope your daughter settles into school well xx

  5. 4 September, 2016 / 7:42 pm

    Oh bless you, hun. Reading this is like looking into the future, I can tell I will feel exactly the same way in a couple of years time when my oldest starts school. I hope your little man enjoys his first day at school and I hope it’s not too hard for you. Just look forward to seeing his little face light up when he sees you at hometime and is desperate to tell you all about his day. xx
    Jenna recently posted…HelloFresh Family Recipe Box ReviewMy Profile

    • 7 September, 2016 / 1:19 pm

      If you could have seen his face when he came bouncing out of the classroom yesterday afternoon, he was beaming and full of such pride. And had the most amazing day too by all accounts.xx

  6. Jodie
    5 September, 2016 / 8:20 am

    He will do great and you will too. I found it such a weight off my shoulders to get my eldest into school. I cried. She had a disastrous first day, but she’s ok now and I’m looking forward to getting all 3 in school in the next three years haha!
    Jodie recently posted…Going On A Sleep Retreat & Unboxing A Gift From DryNitesMy Profile

    • 5 September, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Haha i totally hear you! Harry starts school next year and then i’ll have ZERO children at home! xx

  7. 5 September, 2016 / 9:24 am

    Aaw what a lovely post! I’m sure Riley will love this new adventure! I don’t think we can ever be ready for them starting school, it’s such a huge milestone isn’t it. I’m dreading next year already! x
    Emma @sophieellaandme recently posted…5 Tips For Travelling With ChildrenMy Profile

    • 5 September, 2016 / 10:14 pm

      I’ll be honest, i am an emotional wreck about tomorrow, but he is SO ready for school and i know it’s going to be such an amazing experience for him. xx

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